Bruce McArthur Advertising, Bleidner, Marketing, Super Bowl

Ever wonder why so many business owners do their own crappy TV commercials? You see them all the time – guys with beer bellies, bad hair and worse diction hawking their restaurant, car dealership, RVs, personal water craft  or gold-buying service.  It’s because they hired some ad agency that did an even crappier job. That’s how do-it-yourselfers self-invent.

There’s no self-policing in advertising. There should be — so VMG is hereby deputizing ourselves. Just to put a positive spin on a negative thing, we’re creating a brand new award for corporations who’ve been shamelessly screwed over by enterprises masquerading as advertising agencies. To keep it alliterative – move over Emmy, Grammy and Tony, here come the WASTIES. And the Super Bowl of advertising waste is… the SUPER BOWL!

Hollywood producer Mike Todd once opined “everybody’s got 2 businesses — their own and show business.” Actually, Americans have a 3rd business – advertising. Seems many tune in the Super Bowl just for the custom made, 4 million bucks per 30 seconds so-clever-you’re-gonna- spontaneously-combust commercials. Once in a while, they are great.

Here’s 3 that absolutely sucked.

Goofy cubicle-dwelling white office worker speaks with Jamaican/Caribbean patois. What purchase in life is more keyed into self image, ego and pride than an automobile? So if you buy that VW, you too can be a foolish, un-cool parody of some polyester-clad twit doing a bad Bobby McFerrin? Hey VW – fire your agency. And that “creative director” should seek a career more suited to his or her talents – like accounting. No wait, Hollywood accountants are in the Picasso league, creatively speaking. Just go bag groceries.

Super model Bar Rafaeli plays tongue-hockey with doughy, Orphan Annie – haired, ruddy-cheeked male as spokes-chick Danica Patrick (the most famous driver in the world never to have won a major  race, who also ran over a member of her own pit-crew) reads some mindless copy off a teleprompter.

Made us wanna GOPUKE. GODADDY’s CMO defended Deutsch’s work, claiming even though the ad was near universally loathed, it was memorable. By that logic, why not just air the Nick Berg beheading – brought to you by GODADDY! 

According to Forbes, she also claimed it was effective, as the following Monday was their biggest sales day ever. Really? According to this story at Business insider, GoDaddy’s $7mil mistake, her sales hyperbole doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. That “memorable” spot may have lost GODADDY $7 million bucks. 

Another piece of lame, derivative crap that belonged in some Moose Lodge smoker circa 1956. Super model teases frat boys as they wash car. Anybody seen Cool Hand Luke?

We love super models. But this is just so tired and unimaginative. And, uh, since when are college jocks the Mercedes demographic?

Next year we’ll try to have a black tie, televised awards ceremony so winners can pick up their WASTIES in person. Imagine the acceptance speeches.