Last week, gravel-voiced, 70’s era too-much-ain’t-enough icon Bob Guccione died in the unlikely location of Plano, Texas. Not only is Plano a dinky burg, it’s world headquarters of JC Penney. Penney sells mostly petrochemical-based apparel modeled by women who look annoyingly wholesome. Guccione retailed libido-stoking imagery of women who resembled Lucifer’s A-team. Odd neighbors.
Guccione’s logo was the Penthouse Key, a far more alluring symbol than Playboy’s collared bunny. And so Bob became the key-holding sentinel at the citadel of carnal delight. For a reasonable cover price, Bob would unlock that fantastic top-floor pleasure palace.
This week, another key holder has died. 83 year-old “Maridjan” was the official appeaser of the Merapi volcano that blew in Indonesia. After inheriting the title of “key-holder” from his father, Maridjan spent 33 years sweet-talking that angry fumarole into staying quiet. Often, his soothing chatter was augmented with sacrifices of rice, clothing and chickens.
Maybe he accidentally tossed in a Penney polyester pantsuit, because Merapi vomited forth enough lava (@1,800° F) to batter-fry Maridjan and over a dozen villagers.
Last word spoken by Maridjan was allegedly DVWWWJWBVVRP. If anyone can decode this for the Rhumb Line, please contact us immediately. (Actually, that’s just a code we had to plug in to help folks find us… our “key” to VMG clients and fans.)